Chapel Hillbillies Win Third Fantasy Bowl in Four Years

(Raleigh, NC) The Fantasy Bowl XIV party started in Raleigh, but for the second straight season, it ended on Franklin Street in Chapel Hill. The Chapel Hillbillies’ bend-but-don’t-break defense barely even bent on Fantasy Bowl Sunday, putting on a clinic in their 33-16 victory over the Raleigh Roughhousers. MVP Peyton Manning threw for three touchdowns in earning his second ring with the Hillbillies.

“What a great feelin’, man. I just wanted to make Coach Maske proud,” said Manning through a shower of corn mash. “It took a long time for me to get my rhythm back this season, and get on the same page as my receivers. Once we figured out that we were using different playbooks, things made a lot more sense. By the way, did you know that if you’re not watching DirecTV, you’re missing out on a lot of the action!”

Hillbillies’ formerly-maligned GM Fred Maske choked back tears as he praised his players, “These are some of the hard-workingest guys I’ve never met. It’s so hard to repeat in this league, everyone is gunning for you and giving you their best shot. But I knew if we made it though those tough early weeks of the season, we could handle cupcakes like the Playboys down the stretch.”

Chapel Hill fans had grown accustomed to winning close games in come-from-behind fashion. Five of their eleven victories were by 3 points or less. The “Moonshine Miracles,” as they were dubbed by an unidentified drunken fan taking a wizz in the Top of the Hill elevator, led many to believe the Hillbillies would be overmatched regardless of which high-scoring Empire team they would face. The Roughhousers upset the Boomer Sooners to set up a rematch of Fantasy Bowl XI.

After falling behind 12-0 to the Greek Godfathers in the Jedi Conference Championship, The Hillbillies rallied late in the second half behind DeAngelo Williams’ 56-yard touchdown run, and then held off a drive led by pesky Jay Cutler as the final seconds ticked off the clock.

But no late game rally was necessary in the Fantasy Bowl as the Billies jumped out to a quick start behind QB Peyton Manning. His early touchdown pass to Dallas Clark set the tone and took the home crowd out of the game. Rushing touchdowns from Pierre Thomas and Kevin Smith sealed the deal and the Billies appeared to be on cruise control in the second half.

With their third Hoskins Trophy in four years, the Chapel Hillbillies can also lay claim to being the first dynasty of the PFL, but you’ll never hear it from GM Fred Maske.

“We’re a f%&king dynasty, chumps!” bellowed the humble owner. “I just matched Coack K, crackas! I’m Bill freakin’ Belicheck over here! I drank all your milkshakes! Now, do I have an iPhone app that’ll order me a bigger trophy case?”

QUICK HITS:

- This is the first year that the Chapel Hillbillies claimed the Jedi Conference Regular Season Championship. It was their third Fantasy Bowl Championship in four years, earning them the most in PFL history. (Polish Playboys, Serbian Serial Killers, and Piscataway Playaz each have two.) Just in case that hadn't been hammered home yet.

- Chapel Hill won its last five games of the season to clinch their repeat championship. Last year, they won their last four to sneak into the playoffs and win Fantasy Bowl XIII.

- Fred Maske enjoys writing about himself in the third person. Fred Maske is 3-0 in Fantasy Bowls.

- The Chapel Hillbillies are on a 15-4-1 streak dating back to week 13 of last season.

Jedi Conference News & Notes

* Despite a 35-19 victory in week 7, the Chapel Hillbillies fired Head Coach Fred Maske after benching Marion Barber for Patrick Crayton near game time. Even more shocking than the mid-game firing came the next day when the Hillbillies hired Maske back at his 2001 salary. An anonymous member of the Hillbillies front office commented,

"We learned that little trick from Circuit City. Who needs employees with years of experience when you can fill their shoes with morons who are content to live below the poverty line?"

Maske is reportedly thrilled to be hired back, given the limited employment opportunities in quality fantasy football.


* The PFL Hall of Fame and Shame is considering adding a wing dedicated to nightmare contract signings. Rumblings grew loud out of Valhalla as RB Ronnie Brown was lost for the season a day after renewing his contract with the Victimizers. (What's your favorite nightmare signing? Discuss!)


* The midway point of the regular season gives us an excuse to look back at the draft and play Monday Morning Quarterback. Let's look back and make fun of others:

• Jackass of the Year Award: So far, this would have to go to RB Travis Henry. A #2 overall in the Jedi and #6 in the Empire, Henry could find himself doing the Sattiva Slide into an extended vacation soon. One TD this season.
• Steals of the Draft: Gonna go crazy here and declare the Playboys' taking Randy Moss in the 5th to be the steal of the year. Honorable Mention to Sayrehill for grabbing Plaxico Burress at the end of the 9th, the Victimizers' 15th round selection of Braylon Edwards.
• Disaster Round of the Year: Adam Vinatieri is the only non-embarrassing pick of the 4th round. Valhalla and Chapel Hill took Andre Johnson and Javon Walker, respectively, leaving TJ Houshyomama and Randy Moss available for the 5th. Marc Bulger, Ahman Green, and Brandon Jackson round out the carnage.
  

Conference Leaders Clash in Week 5

Sign of the Apocalypse are all around us this season. The NFL's Chargers, Rams, and Bears all find themselves in last place, looking up at teams like the Lions, Packers, and Buccaneers. Meanwhile in the PFL, traditional losers like the Chapel Hillbillies (3-1) and SayreHill Snoopjuice (4-0) find themselves on top of the standings in the Jedi Conference. In the Empire, perennial powerhouse Serbian Serial Killers have had no punch, going 0-4 for the first time in franchise history.

Instead, The Boomer Sooners and Frognation Imposters face off in a battle of unbeatens who also happen to be the top two scoring teams in the PFL. The Sooners are still seeking their first playoff win this season.

There have been many surprises already in the 2007 campaign: the ineffectiveness of Ladainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, and Steven Jackson is perhaps the most shocking. The Hillbillies are the only team with one of the "big three" to have a winning record.

Fans of the Valhalla Victimizers (1-3) had visions of the Hoskins Trophy (which, incidentally, hasn't been seen by human eyes in years) dancing in their heads after a dream draft. With top-heavy picks, GM Matt Lendach picked off the #1 rated player available in each position. It appeared to be the strongest team in the league heading into week one, with Gus Kotsianis' Greek Godfathers right behind. The Godfathers, after all, had LT's production to look forward to after dropping a couple of Andrew Jacksons to get his rights, and then added Frank Gore and Edgerrin James to round out the RB corps. The Polish Playboys revamped their contracts and had a solid draft position to work with. But all three teams find themselves at 1-3 heading into the final game before the non-conference schedule begins.

The Hillbillies went into the draft already missing their 2nd and 5th round picks, and spent a 6th rounder on rookie benchwarmer Tony Hunt who may not start a game for the life of the contract. Then they lost 3rd round pick Deuce McAllister for the season, followed by Cadillac Williams, and Steven Jackson for at least two weeks. GM Fred Maske considers himself very fortunate to be 3-1 after a trying month in the infirmary.

I'm sure there are many stories to be told in the Empire Conference, but is anyone honestly reading this far into the article, anyway?

Hillbillies Release Public Statement Regarding Michael Vick

The Chapel Hillbillies released the following statement regarding their former underachieving quarterback:

Hillbillies GM Too Distracted to Score Points

Start spreadin' the new.....

Fuck 'em up, Tigers!

All right Jimmy, make us proud. Treat them damn Yankees like a Republican Congressional Page.

Random Nuggets of Brilliance

Thank goodness Dustin Diamond has come up with something to entertain Raiders fans on Sundays.

Shout out to Daunte Culpepper for providing me with more evidence that he sucks balls.

Terrell Owens needs therapy. It can't be easy being a Greek Godfather, but Torry Holt seems to deal with it just fine.

Cartman's voice isn't as funny as it used to be. I wish he'd stop enunciating.

I don't think Kurt Warner's thumbs are opposable any more. This guy was washed up three years ago, why haven't NFL coaches and GMs gotten the memo?

Ford recently scrapped plans for a fleet of hybrid cars. The average gas mileage of today's Ford autos is WORSE than the Model-T. More proof that the Ford family, a disgrace to the nation, runs their football team as well as they run their car company.

Invites

Invites to this blog should be in everyone's inboxes. Once you sign up for a blogger account, it's pretty darn easy to post and reply. And it'll open you up to a whole new world of time-wasting on the internets.

I mean seriously, I just saw a blog about coffee. How much can you write about coffee in a given month?

GO PANTHERS!