Jedi Conference News & Notes

* Despite a 35-19 victory in week 7, the Chapel Hillbillies fired Head Coach Fred Maske after benching Marion Barber for Patrick Crayton near game time. Even more shocking than the mid-game firing came the next day when the Hillbillies hired Maske back at his 2001 salary. An anonymous member of the Hillbillies front office commented,

"We learned that little trick from Circuit City. Who needs employees with years of experience when you can fill their shoes with morons who are content to live below the poverty line?"

Maske is reportedly thrilled to be hired back, given the limited employment opportunities in quality fantasy football.


* The PFL Hall of Fame and Shame is considering adding a wing dedicated to nightmare contract signings. Rumblings grew loud out of Valhalla as RB Ronnie Brown was lost for the season a day after renewing his contract with the Victimizers. (What's your favorite nightmare signing? Discuss!)


* The midway point of the regular season gives us an excuse to look back at the draft and play Monday Morning Quarterback. Let's look back and make fun of others:

• Jackass of the Year Award: So far, this would have to go to RB Travis Henry. A #2 overall in the Jedi and #6 in the Empire, Henry could find himself doing the Sattiva Slide into an extended vacation soon. One TD this season.
• Steals of the Draft: Gonna go crazy here and declare the Playboys' taking Randy Moss in the 5th to be the steal of the year. Honorable Mention to Sayrehill for grabbing Plaxico Burress at the end of the 9th, the Victimizers' 15th round selection of Braylon Edwards.
• Disaster Round of the Year: Adam Vinatieri is the only non-embarrassing pick of the 4th round. Valhalla and Chapel Hill took Andre Johnson and Javon Walker, respectively, leaving TJ Houshyomama and Randy Moss available for the 5th. Marc Bulger, Ahman Green, and Brandon Jackson round out the carnage.
  

Conference Leaders Clash in Week 5

Sign of the Apocalypse are all around us this season. The NFL's Chargers, Rams, and Bears all find themselves in last place, looking up at teams like the Lions, Packers, and Buccaneers. Meanwhile in the PFL, traditional losers like the Chapel Hillbillies (3-1) and SayreHill Snoopjuice (4-0) find themselves on top of the standings in the Jedi Conference. In the Empire, perennial powerhouse Serbian Serial Killers have had no punch, going 0-4 for the first time in franchise history.

Instead, The Boomer Sooners and Frognation Imposters face off in a battle of unbeatens who also happen to be the top two scoring teams in the PFL. The Sooners are still seeking their first playoff win this season.

There have been many surprises already in the 2007 campaign: the ineffectiveness of Ladainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, and Steven Jackson is perhaps the most shocking. The Hillbillies are the only team with one of the "big three" to have a winning record.

Fans of the Valhalla Victimizers (1-3) had visions of the Hoskins Trophy (which, incidentally, hasn't been seen by human eyes in years) dancing in their heads after a dream draft. With top-heavy picks, GM Matt Lendach picked off the #1 rated player available in each position. It appeared to be the strongest team in the league heading into week one, with Gus Kotsianis' Greek Godfathers right behind. The Godfathers, after all, had LT's production to look forward to after dropping a couple of Andrew Jacksons to get his rights, and then added Frank Gore and Edgerrin James to round out the RB corps. The Polish Playboys revamped their contracts and had a solid draft position to work with. But all three teams find themselves at 1-3 heading into the final game before the non-conference schedule begins.

The Hillbillies went into the draft already missing their 2nd and 5th round picks, and spent a 6th rounder on rookie benchwarmer Tony Hunt who may not start a game for the life of the contract. Then they lost 3rd round pick Deuce McAllister for the season, followed by Cadillac Williams, and Steven Jackson for at least two weeks. GM Fred Maske considers himself very fortunate to be 3-1 after a trying month in the infirmary.

I'm sure there are many stories to be told in the Empire Conference, but is anyone honestly reading this far into the article, anyway?