Primetime Football League Network

Chapel Hillbillies Win Third Fantasy Bowl in Four Years

2009-01-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

(Raleigh, NC) The Fantasy Bowl XIV party started in Raleigh, but for the second straight season, it ended on Franklin Street in Chapel Hill. The Chapel Hillbillies’ bend-but-don’t-break defense barely even bent on Fantasy Bowl Sunday, putting on a clinic in their 33-16 victory over the Raleigh Roughhousers. MVP Peyton Manning threw for three touchdowns in earning his second ring with the Hillbillies.

“What a great feelin’, man. I just wanted to make Coach Maske proud,” said Manning through a shower of corn mash. “It took a long time for me to get my rhythm back this season, and get on the same page as my receivers. Once we figured out that we were using different playbooks, things made a lot more sense. By the way, did you know that if you’re not watching DirecTV, you’re missing out on a lot of the action!”

Hillbillies’ formerly-maligned GM Fred Maske choked back tears as he praised his players, “These are some of the hard-workingest guys I’ve never met. It’s so hard to repeat in this league, everyone is gunning for you and giving you their best shot. But I knew if we made it though those tough early weeks of the season, we could handle cupcakes like the Playboys down the stretch.”

Chapel Hill fans had grown accustomed to winning close games in come-from-behind fashion. Five of their eleven victories were by 3 points or less. The “Moonshine Miracles,” as they were dubbed by an unidentified drunken fan taking a wizz in the Top of the Hill elevator, led many to believe the Hillbillies would be overmatched regardless of which high-scoring Empire team they would face. The Roughhousers upset the Boomer Sooners to set up a rematch of Fantasy Bowl XI.

After falling behind 12-0 to the Greek Godfathers in the Jedi Conference Championship, The Hillbillies rallied late in the second half behind DeAngelo Williams’ 56-yard touchdown run, and then held off a drive led by pesky Jay Cutler as the final seconds ticked off the clock.

But no late game rally was necessary in the Fantasy Bowl as the Billies jumped out to a quick start behind QB Peyton Manning. His early touchdown pass to Dallas Clark set the tone and took the home crowd out of the game. Rushing touchdowns from Pierre Thomas and Kevin Smith sealed the deal and the Billies appeared to be on cruise control in the second half.

With their third Hoskins Trophy in four years, the Chapel Hillbillies can also lay claim to being the first dynasty of the PFL, but you’ll never hear it from GM Fred Maske.

“We’re a f%&king dynasty, chumps!” bellowed the humble owner. “I just matched Coack K, crackas! I’m Bill freakin’ Belicheck over here! I drank all your milkshakes! Now, do I have an iPhone app that’ll order me a bigger trophy case?”

QUICK HITS:

- This is the first year that the Chapel Hillbillies claimed the Jedi Conference Regular Season Championship. It was their third Fantasy Bowl Championship in four years, earning them the most in PFL history. (Polish Playboys, Serbian Serial Killers, and Piscataway Playaz each have two.) Just in case that hadn't been hammered home yet.

- Chapel Hill won its last five games of the season to clinch their repeat championship. Last year, they won their last four to sneak into the playoffs and win Fantasy Bowl XIII.

- Fred Maske enjoys writing about himself in the third person. Fred Maske is 3-0 in Fantasy Bowls.

- The Chapel Hillbillies are on a 15-4-1 streak dating back to week 13 of last season.

Jedi Conference News & Notes

2007-10-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

* Despite a 35-19 victory in week 7, the Chapel Hillbillies fired Head Coach Fred Maske after benching Marion Barber for Patrick Crayton near game time. Even more shocking than the mid-game firing came the next day when the Hillbillies hired Maske back at his 2001 salary. An anonymous member of the Hillbillies front office commented,

"We learned that little trick from Circuit City. Who needs employees with years of experience when you can fill their shoes with morons who are content to live below the poverty line?"

Maske is reportedly thrilled to be hired back, given the limited employment opportunities in quality fantasy football.

* The PFL Hall of Fame and Shame is considering adding a wing dedicated to nightmare contract signings. Rumblings grew loud out of Valhalla as RB Ronnie Brown was lost for the season a day after renewing his contract with the Victimizers. (What's your favorite nightmare signing? Discuss!)

* The midway point of the regular season gives us an excuse to look back at the draft and play Monday Morning Quarterback. Let's look back and make fun of others:

Jackass of the Year Award: So far, this would have to go to RB Travis Henry. A #2 overall in the Jedi and #6 in the Empire, Henry could find himself doing the Sattiva Slide into an extended vacation soon. One TD this season.
Steals of the Draft: Gonna go crazy here and declare the Playboys' taking Randy Moss in the 5th to be the steal of the year. Honorable Mention to Sayrehill for grabbing Plaxico Burress at the end of the 9th, the Victimizers' 15th round selection of Braylon Edwards.
Disaster Round of the Year: Adam Vinatieri is the only non-embarrassing pick of the 4th round. Valhalla and Chapel Hill took Andre Johnson and Javon Walker, respectively, leaving TJ Houshyomama and Randy Moss available for the 5th. Marc Bulger, Ahman Green, and Brandon Jackson round out the carnage.

Conference Leaders Clash in Week 5

2007-10-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

Sign of the Apocalypse are all around us this season. The NFL's Chargers, Rams, and Bears all find themselves in last place, looking up at teams like the Lions, Packers, and Buccaneers. Meanwhile in the PFL, traditional losers like the Chapel Hillbillies (3-1) and SayreHill Snoopjuice (4-0) find themselves on top of the standings in the Jedi Conference. In the Empire, perennial powerhouse Serbian Serial Killers have had no punch, going 0-4 for the first time in franchise history.

Instead, The Boomer Sooners and Frognation Imposters face off in a battle of unbeatens who also happen to be the top two scoring teams in the PFL. The Sooners are still seeking their first playoff win this season.

There have been many surprises already in the 2007 campaign: the ineffectiveness of Ladainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, and Steven Jackson is perhaps the most shocking. The Hillbillies are the only team with one of the "big three" to have a winning record.

Fans of the Valhalla Victimizers (1-3) had visions of the Hoskins Trophy (which, incidentally, hasn't been seen by human eyes in years) dancing in their heads after a dream draft. With top-heavy picks, GM Matt Lendach picked off the #1 rated player available in each position. It appeared to be the strongest team in the league heading into week one, with Gus Kotsianis' Greek Godfathers right behind. The Godfathers, after all, had LT's production to look forward to after dropping a couple of Andrew Jacksons to get his rights, and then added Frank Gore and Edgerrin James to round out the RB corps. The Polish Playboys revamped their contracts and had a solid draft position to work with. But all three teams find themselves at 1-3 heading into the final game before the non-conference schedule begins.

The Hillbillies went into the draft already missing their 2nd and 5th round picks, and spent a 6th rounder on rookie benchwarmer Tony Hunt who may not start a game for the life of the contract. Then they lost 3rd round pick Deuce McAllister for the season, followed by Cadillac Williams, and Steven Jackson for at least two weeks. GM Fred Maske considers himself very fortunate to be 3-1 after a trying month in the infirmary.

I'm sure there are many stories to be told in the Empire Conference, but is anyone honestly reading this far into the article, anyway?

Hillbillies Release Public Statement Regarding Michael Vick

2007-07-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

The Chapel Hillbillies released the following statement regarding their former underachieving quarterback:

Hillbillies GM Too Distracted to Score Points

2006-10-08T22:22:00.000-07:00

Start spreadin' the new.....

Fuck 'em up, Tigers!

2006-10-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

All right Jimmy, make us proud. Treat them damn Yankees like a Republican Congressional Page.

Random Nuggets of Brilliance

2006-09-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness Dustin Diamond has come up with something to entertain Raiders fans on Sundays.

Shout out to Daunte Culpepper for providing me with more evidence that he sucks balls.

Terrell Owens needs therapy. It can't be easy being a Greek Godfather, but Torry Holt seems to deal with it just fine.

Cartman's voice isn't as funny as it used to be. I wish he'd stop enunciating.

I don't think Kurt Warner's thumbs are opposable any more. This guy was washed up three years ago, why haven't NFL coaches and GMs gotten the memo?

Ford recently scrapped plans for a fleet of hybrid cars. The average gas mileage of today's Ford autos is WORSE than the Model-T. More proof that the Ford family, a disgrace to the nation, runs their football team as well as they run their car company.

test

2006-09-04T14:25:00.000-07:00

just trying to see if this works. if anyone reads this, i'm interested in trading for picks next year since there's no chance i'm making the playoffs this year. send any proposals to my email at jzuber@legaci.com.

Invites

2006-09-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

Invites to this blog should be in everyone's inboxes. Once you sign up for a blogger account, it's pretty darn easy to post and reply. And it'll open you up to a whole new world of time-wasting on the internets.

I mean seriously, I just saw a blog about coffee. How much can you write about coffee in a given month?

GO PANTHERS!

Week 10 picks... winners only

2005-11-12T10:08:00.000-08:00

Here are my picks for the Week 10 winners.

Valhalla defeats Sherman Oaks, 44-32.
Hillbillies defeat the Godfathers, 30-17.
Playaz get their first win, 27-25.
Raleigh finally defeats the Untouchables, 35-26.
Serbians end the Imposters playoff hopes, 31-18.

In maybe the toughest game to call this week, I'm taking the
Models to upset the Sooners in a close game, 34-29.

Jenius picks

2005-11-04T22:44:00.000-08:00

The Jenius has been a bit lazy in his pickin'. I'd love to report that he was doing something worthwhile with that time. Instead, I'll just tell ya what I'm betting on this weekend:

**
Penn St -11.5
Clemson -31

***
Ravens +3
Dolphins +2
Chargers -6

**
Jaguars -13
Seahawks -4

*
Panthers/Bucs under 37

Paper Tigers Still Clawing

2005-10-26T16:51:00.000-07:00

For a team almost without a scoring threat, I sure am putting up a few points.

Happy Halloween and Merry Fitzmas to all!

PFL Contracts - Whose Are Now Best in Each Conference?

2005-10-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

Soon we will all have new contract players... voice your opinion about who has the BEST in each Conference and who has the WORST in each Conference.

Jenius Sportsbook

2005-10-14T19:41:00.000-07:00

Jenius' handy-dandy guide to sittin' on your rear and makin' money on Sunday:

****
Miami +4

***
Tennessee +3
Denver -3
Cleveland/Baltimore OVER
Buffalo -3
Dallas -3.5
San Diego -2

**
Carolina +1
St. Louis +13.5

Victimizers/Roughhousers UNDER 48

(NOTE: These lines are provided for entertainment purposes only. Wagering on sporting events is wrong. Think of the children.)

Pick the Playoff Teams from each Conference...

2005-10-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

My picks are as follows as of October 13th:

JEDI:
=======
SHERMAN OAKS
HILLBILLIES

EMPIRE:
=======
SERBIANS
UNTOUCHABLES

Accepting Trades

2005-10-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately Im not sure if a single peron in my conference looks at this Blog. But here it goes.

Everyone in my roster is on the TRADING BLOCK.

That means Moss, Holmes, Culpepper, S.Smith, Gonzalez, etc, etc ,etc.

Week 6 Open Thread

2005-10-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

Howdy. Emperor Hillbilly here.

So I've sent out the invites, which will give you total access to the PFL blog. That doesn't include access to the template, settings, and all kinds of stuff. If you're familiar with blogger, let me know and I'll make you an administrator. Warning: if you find that you enjoy blogger, it can be highly addictive. I've set up 4 already, though only 2 are really active. And I've replaced the html on my home page with blogger code, so check it out and see how crazy it can get.

I also tried to add a free NFL news feed in the sidebar, but it appears that javascript is really finicky on blogger.

On with the trash talk. Looks like some people don't have faith in the rednecks from tha Hill. Hey, it ain't just scoring that wins you games. Okay, well, maybe it is. But great coaching/GM work also helps, and it only took me 5 seasons, bitches. Yeah, that was me that started Alge Crumpler over Antonio Gates two weeks ago, resulting in a 6-point win. Methinks there ain't nobody else round these parts with the foresight and brilliance (I was smoking crack) to pull off a stunt like that. Hillbillies ain't in the bitch bidness no more. And someone forgot about my ancient QBs who lead the league in TD passes as well as Metamucil sales.

Week 5 Preview

2005-10-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

Looks like a nail-biter in the making for the Hillbillies and Juice. Got a feeling I'm enjoying my last day as an undefeated. So will the River Rats take advantage? They're dusting off Andre Johnson for his date with the Titans. Serbs toss two rookies into the lineup, we'll see how they react. Will Cadillac's hammy and footy holdy uppy? Untouchables counting on Portis to score one for old-time's sake in Denver. I wasn't quite as confident this week, but man he's got some nice opportunities looking ahead. Went 8-1 on a 9-team 20:1 teaser last week. Damn you to hell, 49ers.

Jenius Handicapping Service offers these picks:

* Cleveland-Chicago OVER
* New England +3.5, but good luck finding anyone with the game on the board
* Buffalo -3
* Detroit -1 (Difference being at least 2 INTs thrown by Anthony Wright, one for a TD.)
* Carolina -3

Not as many clear winners as last week. So off to Teaserland:

* 5 Team Teaser
Chicago/Cleveland Over 30
Detroit Lions +5
Carolina Panthers +3
Denver Broncos -1
Cincinnati Bengals +9

* Plamegate Indictments: Over/Under 16.5

Favorite Sports Commercial of the Moment

2005-10-05T13:31:00.000-07:00

Big ugly dude steps up to the plate facing other big ugly dude in the softball game as we hear Vin Scully's call of Kirk Gibson's 1988 World Series homer.

Well done.

Week 4 Open Thread

2005-09-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

What's on your mind? Any bold predictions? Jorge wants to know who the morons are that haven't jumped on the Bengal bandwagon yet. Matt claims to be in Lake Tahoe. Who's gonna get the best of the 3-way tie in the Empire Conference?

Welcome, Losers

2005-09-29T21:57:00.000-07:00

Howdy, everyone. Fred here.

So this here be a PFL blog. It's the new interactive portion of the web site because it's just not big or cool enough until we rule the fantasy football blogosphere as well.

If you want your own blogger identity, you can create an account at blogger.com. (Link above.) Or you can just post replies as whomever you feel like, or anonymously. If you create a blogger account I can add you to the "PFLN Staff" and you can publish your own posts.

I'll be tinkering with the appearance and the links in the sidebar. If you have links you think should go on the site, let me know. I'll also post a Weekly Open Thread in anticipation of each week's games so everyone can talk shit, see if they can out-pick the Madman, offer NFL betting advice, whatever's on your mind. Hell, we can even talk poker.

Cause you know what? You need another web site to scan while at work.